The FAUX News Republican Presidential Debate - Hosted by the vapid, yet well-manicured Brett Baier Sponsored by FAUX News and Google
Before we start I feel like I have to ask…Can this really be called a presidential debate?
OK let’s move on in a self-aware state of denial.
Tonight we’re streaming on YouTube …alongside the Dookie Cannonball guy and Mr. Balloon Hands…”Get Real!”
The candidates are already podiated …so let’s get this party started.
Thumbs up from Handsome Rick, a royal wave from The Mittster, a quick raise of the eyebrows from Congressman Paul, a starchey perma-smile from googley-eyes Bachmann, a relaxed slouch from super-giant-brain, former-Speaker Gingrich, a salute from pizza-boy Cain, a giant spread-finger uncomfortable wave from Google—me Santorum, a twitch and a salute from that reasonable guy and …. wait a minute! Who’s that guy? Big Johnson? With the LIVESTRONG bracelet and the bad hair. OK this might be interesting after all. Fresh blood in the arena! Spartacus!
Joining Brett (BB) at his “big desk” are FAUX News regulars Megyn “I may interrupt you” Kelley (MK) and Chris “registered Democrat” Wallace (CW).
Let’s look at the Google map with lots of pins, and our first YouTube video question:
“I’m a small business owner with no confidence. I’d like to throw you a high, hanging curveball. How can you guys make me, a small business owner, feel all warm and fuzzy in these troubling times?”
What a surprise we’re gonna hear from Handsome Rick first!
Cameo for Rick Scott right over there (with a VP nod perhaps).
Perry: “The great state of Texas has lowered taxes, deregulated and told damaged plaintiffs not to sue doctors in Texas” Yeehaw! “Government bad! I’m going to Washington!”
Oh and a follow up for Handsome Rick as Brett gets serious. “We want details!” “Where’s your jobs plan dude?”
Perry: “Umm you’ll see one, blah blah blah, Texas, taxes, deregulation, blah, blah, blah, Texas, Rick Scott.. shout out homey!”
BB: “Mitt after I criticize you vicariously through the WSJ editorial board (Hello Rupert!) and call your plan timid and tactical, how do you respond?”
Romney: ”Check…check…one…two…sibilance…check…one…check…one” “Obama bad!” “I have had a job.” “Cheaters like China!” “I have 59 points!”
BB: “What is rich?”
Romney: “Everyone should be rich!” “Obama bad!”
MK: “This one’s for you Googley-eyes. It’s a question from the last debate. How much of my income do I deserve to keep?”
Wait before she answers I have to ask…Is it Christmas already? WTF is she wearing? Oh and Megyn’s eyelashes look fabulous!
Bachmann: “I wish I could have answered that last time!” “Taxes bad!” “Obama bad!” “Government bad!” “Keep your money, but pay some to the government…of course!” “Am I still talking?” “I know I’m still smiling, cause my face hurts.”
MK: “Santorum this one’s for you via a YouTube video….Right to work or the right to get fucked over by your corporate master…Which do you prefer?”
Santorum: “Public worker unions bad!” “Let me reel off some bullshit wage numbers about how much money teachers and fireman make.” “I do not believe that unions should be involved in unions!” “Unions bad!” “No negotiations of wages and benefits!” “Fuck you!”
(tea-bagger cheers)
MK: “Newt you criticized giving people money for nothing and their chicks for free.” (a.k.a. unemployment benefits) “As president , how would you tell the unemployed to go fuck themselves?”
Gingrich: “The government will train you if you want to collect unemployment….you know the same shitty government that I complain about… yeah that one!” “Mandatory training, but not from Washington!” “I am spinning really fast and I’m getting kind of dizzy!”
CW: “Governor Huntsman…You are far too reasonable to be on this stage so I’m now going to tie you to Solyndra and make you defend green energy bullshit. Good luck asshole!”
Huntsman: “Thanks Chris!” “My wife is awesome!” “We have to fix the un-natural economy!” “Can’t we all just get along?” “We’re broke!” “Natural gas good!”
CW: “You’re for government subsidies!” “I’m taking you down mother-fucker!”
Huntsman: “I am a reasonable man!”
CW: “Mr. Cain can I get you to say 999 a few more times?”
Cain: (smiling broadly) “999!” “I am a businessman!” “Taxes bad!” “999!” “Romney bad!”
CW: “Whadya got Mitt?”
Romney: “Obama bad!” “Taxes bad!”
CW: “Congressman Paul a question from some earnest YouTube folks. “How do plan to retore the 10th Amendment?” “Government bad!”
(tea-bagger cheers)
Paul: “Veto all bills violating the 10th amendment!” “Government bad!” “Public schools bad!” Healthcare bad!”
BB: “OK new guy, whatcha got?”
Johnson: “I am fresh!” “I have experiences!” “I have promises!” “I am the veto-ing-est governor evah!”
44% of googlers say rich is having an income of over $1 million
(commercial break) red meat teaser…BB: “We’re gonna talk about illegals after the break!” Chevron...NumbersUSA.org (xenophobes united)…Drive movie promo…GE Capital the NBA and Wendy’s all in one…AUDI…RoomsToGo…Prime Suspect…RoomsToGo again…
Rick “Skeletor” Scott: “I might be drunk!” “Republicans can steal Florida again!” (wink, wink)
MK: “Rick…Mitt has been pounding you on Social Security. How the hell are fifty separate state run programs supposed to work? Seriously dude!”
Perry: “You’ve got nothing to worry about!” “This Ponzi scheme is awesome!”
Romney: “Rick’s book… bad!” “Social Security good!”
Perry: “Mitt’s book…bad!”
Romney: “Oh…Oh….you want to go?” “Well actually it’s like this…blah, blah, blah.” “My book good!”
MK: “Mitt how much of a socialist is Obama?”
Romney: “Obama is a liberal!” “You’re not gonna make me say socialist!” “Capitalism good!” “Government bad!” “I was a governor!”
MK: “Americans think that tax increases on the wealthy are good. What say you?”
Huntsman: “Reagan!” “Percentages, details, blah, blah blah” “Obama bad!”
MK: YouTube vidiot “Which government department would you shitcan?
Cain: (smiling broadly at the softball question) “EPA!” “Breathe that shit!” “Government Gone Wild!” “Dust!...Really?” “Chilean retirement accounts!”
MK: “The government is broke! Newt what do you think?”
Gingrich: “Government bad!” “Next week I’ll have a big plan...today, not so much” “Reagan!” “Obama…socialist!
YouTube question: “Public schools suck! How can you fix them?”
Johnson: “Balanced budget!” Department of Education bad!”
Santorum: “Government bad!” “Parents good!”
Gingrich: “Shrinkage good!” “Regulation bad!”
Paul: “Government bad!” “Opt out!”
Perry: “I agree!” “Romney bad!”
Romney: “Fuck you Rick!” “Parents good!” “Teachers unions bad!”
Bachmann: “Education bad!” “States good!”
Cain: “Government bad!”
Huntsman: “I have a lot of kids!” “I am reasonable and verbose!” “Localize!”
CW: “Keep your googley eyes on me!” “State or federal enforcement of immigration laws?”
Bachmann: “Government bad!” “Obama bad… and mean for suing Arizona!” “Build a big fucking fence!” “Deprive Mexican kids of healthcare!”
YouTube question: “e-verify?”
Gingrich: “Give it to credit card companies.” “100% government control of the border, and the official language, and the visa system.” Oh wait…does that contradict my earlier government bad remarks?” “Oh shit…. I’m spinning out of control!”
CW: “Mitt you criticized Handsome Rick.” “What’s your idea?”
Romney: “I don’t understand what Rick is doing!” “Mexicans are going to school in Texas!” “WTF!”
CW: “Rick you are allowing illegals in!” “Why?”
Perry: “My border is long!” “Texas!” “Texans!” “Mexicans!” “Viva La Raza!” “Only four die-senting votes!”
CW: “Santorum what’s your beef?”
Santorum: “Rick, why am I paying for the Mexican kids to go to school?” “Perry bad!”
Perry: “A 1,200 mile fence?” “Really?” “Boots on the ground!”
Paul: “Regulation bad!” “Taxes bad!” “Data banks bad!”
Stupid statistics from Shannon
(commercial break) Infiniti…Chevron…citibank (downgraded)…Delta…FedEx…GE…Siemens
BB: “Israel!”
YouTube guy: “UN …Palestinians…existential threats?”
Romney: “Keep your friends close!” “Obama bad!” “Israel!” “Iran bad!”
Cain: “Reagan!” “I’ve been to Israel!” “Don’t mess with me…I’m a BAD man!”
BB: “Pakistan is scary!” “How would you save us handsome Rick?”
Perry: “Obama bad!” “I have little actual information, so I’ll blather on for 30 seconds sounding strong-ish.”
BB: “Iraq is still scary!”
Santorum: “Listen to the generals!” “20…30 thousand troops…whatever.” “Victory!” “Pakistan is our friend!”
Gingrich: “International assistance good!” “United Nations bad!” “Pakistan is scary!” “Be afraid!”
BB: “Cuba?”
Johnson: “We’re broke!” “Balanced budget!”
Bachmann: “Cuba is scary!”
Huntsman: “Santorum bad!” “War bad!”
Santorum: “America good!” “War good!” One hand tied behind our generals… or genitals?”
Huntsman: “Whatever!”
MK: “Public schools and religion?”
Bachmann: “Jefferson!” “I’m religious!” “God!”
YouTube gay soldier: “Where do you come down on DADT?”
Santorum: “No sex in the army!” “No gay privileges!”
(tea-bagger cheering)
MK: “OK so what would you do Rick?”
Santorum: “Reinstitute DADT.”
MK: “Congressman Paul, how dare you support abortion for rape victims and the morning after pill?” (Sounds like a question but it’s not)
Paul: “I respect life, not laws!”
MK: “Governor Perry, how are you unlike W?”
Perry: “I love W!” “I’m different than W” “Government bad!”
BB: “Obamacare?” “Let’s get it on!”
CW: “Mr. Cain, you survived cancer. Obamacare would have killed you right?”
Cain: “I was able to afford great care, because I’m a rich bi-ness-man!” “Fuck you poor people!”
CW: “Obamacare bad!”
YouTube guy: “Obamacare good!”
Huntsman: “I have kids.” “Uncertainty in the marketplace, blah, blah, blah France…Utah…percetages…blah, blah, blah.
CW: “You criticized handsome Rick about the HPV vaccine. How dare you?”
Bachmann: “HPV is not something for government to address!” “Merck bad!”
Perry: “Life good!”
CW: “Texas is the most uninsured state in the country.”
Perry: “Medicaid bad!” “Options good!” “Texas good!”
Romney: “I will politely disagree with Handsome Rick and waffle for a minute on Romneycare.” “Obamacare bad!”
Perry: “Which Mitt are we looking at here?” “Um, er, um, er”
Romney: “Nice try!” “My book…good!” “Rick’s book…bad!”
(commercial break) Infiniti…AFSCME.org…Chevron…CSX…Uloric…Aviva
BB: “Bloomberg is scared about the unemployed rising up” “Hope and change isn’t here!”
Hunstman: “1. Taxes bad! 2. Regulations bad! 3. Natural gas good!”
Cain: “999” “Government bad!” “Reagan!”
Bachmann: “Obamacare bad!”
Romney: “I can relate to middle America.” “America!”
Perry: “Obamacare bad!” “Regulations bad!” “Taxes bad!”
Paul: “Government bad!” “Taxes bad!” “Regulations bad!”
Gingrich: “Years ago I loved Reagan!” “I still quote him today”
Santorum: “Reagan!” “God!” “Freedom!” “Obama bad!”
Johnson: Best line of the night “dogshit is shovel ready!” “Taxes bad!”
(commercial break) RoomsToGo…SCANA…RoomsToGo
YouTube guy: “Pick your favorite running mate from this band of crazies”
Johnson: “Ron Paul”
Santorum: “Newt”
Gingrich: “As usual, I won’t answer your question.”
Paul: “It’s too early for me to fuck up my chances”
Perry: “Cain and Newt’s love child.”
Romney: “Waffle…blah, blah…Obama bad!” “I disagree with everyone here.”
Bachmann: “Constitution good!” “Obama bad!”
Cain: “Romney…or maybe Newt”
Huntsman: “Cain for stupid reasons” “I still don’t have a joke writer”
