The CNN Tea Party Republican Crazyfest 2011

Romney, Perry, Bachmann, Santorum, Cain, Gingrich, Paul, Huntsman.....who else? Palin? Jeb Bush? Bueller? Bueller?

Should we give a shit? Yes, if we want to prevent one of these fools from occupying the White House in 2012.

I'm watching this and summarizing the debate points, so that you don't have to. You can thank me later.

And they enter as if it's a UFC cage match, to a booming theme and enthusiastic hoopin' and a-hollerin', followed by a very disturbing rendition of the national anthem. Who the hell was that?

The set looks like the Jeopardy Tournament of Champions. Let's get ready to rumble and see who moves to the right or god-forbid the left of handsome Rick.

OK Wolf let's go to questions...

Tea Party activist #1: How do we get Social Security security?

Bachmann: "...Obama stole $500 Billion out of Medicare to pay for Obamacare..." Yow!

Ponzi-scheme Perry: "Slam dunk guaranteed, Social Security will be there" Now that's the way to defend a ponzi scheme Rick. "Oh yeah, and Obama lied."

Romney: Going on the Perry attack, quoting from his book. Romney says his book is better. Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah!

Perry: "It's not appropriate to do what we did in the past."

Perry-Romney-Romney-Perry zing pow bam boom.

Paul: "It's broke" "End the wars and other nonsense"

Cain: "Galveston Oh Galveston"

Huntsman: "Can't we all just get along?"

Gingrich: "I don't like your question so I'll just make up my own point" "Obama scares old people" "Don't let the president lie to you!"

Santorum: "I don't want to choose between Mitt and Rick" "Pick me I'm brave!"

Tea Party question #2: "How do we balance the budget and cut spending?"

Gingrich: The guy with the old ideas says "Modernize the government" "Government Bad!" "Government Crooks"

Santorum: "I'm still brave!" "Don't throw grandma off the cliff!"

Perry: "Texas cut all the useful jobs, otherwise known as waste and fraud."

Romney: "I've got some plans, but you won't understand them because you're too bored to pay attention to me"

Paul: "I've got facts that no one else agrees with." "Get rid of the Department's of Education and Energy."

Bachmann: "The government buys people too much stuff and pays the shipping costs" ...but ..."we need to own stuff"

[commercial break] (brought to you by the letter C)...Clean Coal...Cadillac...Clean Coal...Citracal...CNN...Cindy Crawford...Cheney

Are they going to talk about jobs after the break? I bet they are!

Tea Party question #3: "What's your economic plan?"

Huntsman: "It's a great American tragedy" "I'm much too reasonable to be taken seriously!" He said "wean"!

Perry: "Obama created zero jobs!" "Taxes and deregulation stimulate the risk-takers" "Government bad!"

Bachmann: "Stop giving Obama money, he stole enough already." 'Government bad!"

Cain: "We're on life support" "Government bad!" "999" "999" "I'm black and I'm bold and I annunciate"

Romney: "Texas is great!" "It's a smartphone world" "It's a hard-knock life" I'm gonna sing now because I can see I'm boring you" "I need more rhymes to go with my seven points." "I'm still talking" "Texas is great!" "I'm gonna turn around now."

Perry: "Tort Reform!"

Paul: "I live in Texas and Perry raised my taxes." "End the war in Iraq!"

Perry: "All my tax cuts live in Texas!"

Gingrich: "I'm smarter than you and my history is better than yours" "Reagan!"

Cain: "I'm a worker and so were my parents"

Huntsman: "We need more workers!" "I'm being reasonable and serious again" "My joke writer is out sick." "Seriously, I have not one single witty retort."

Tea Party question #4: "What is your position on the Federal Reserve?"

Santorum: "Charter, charter, charter." "Barack Obama isn't good enough to be a disaster" "No taxes on made in America"

Cain: "How much is a dollar worth?" "Can we exchange our money in Canada?"

Bachmann: "I'm still against saving the American economy!" "Down with Ben Bernanke"

Perry: "It's almost treason... that's almost a fact!"

Romney: "Captain Obvious rides again!" "Let me ask myself a question"

Tea Party question #5: "For every dollar I earn, how much do I deserve to keep?"

Huntsman: "Reasonableness in percentages... 8, 14, 21 whatever?" "Debt cancer will eat you!"

Gingrich: "GE bad!" Green loopholes bad!" "The Obama Depression bad!"

Tea Party question #6: "Would anyone support the fair tax?"

Romney: "Blah, blah, blah" "Taxes bad!"

Tea Party question #7: "Executive Orders... yay or nay?"

Paul: "Gross abuse!"

Perry: "I made a mistake with HPV immunization!" "Executive Orders are good... to eliminate Obamacare"

Bachmann: "Rick Perry is hurting little girls!" "Obama is aborting little babies"

Perry: "I wanted to stop a cancer, a virus... whatever you want to call it"

Bachmann: "Rick Perry gave political favor to Merck" "Save the little girls!"

Perry: "I didn't need their $5K" "It takes millions to bribe me"

Santorum: "I am not a doctor but I stayed at a Holiday Inn" "Save the little girls"

Tea Party question #8: "How would you reduce the cost of healthcare?"

Cain: "Obamacare bad!" "999" "Did I mention that I ran the National Restaurant Association?"

Romney: "I agree with everyone except Rick" "Obamacare bad!"

Perry: "Obamacare bad!" "Romneycare bad!"

Romney: "Obama raised taxes and cut Medicare" "I'm not sure how this answers the question, blah, blah, blah"

Paul: "Freedom is about choosing to suffer... if you don't buy insurance"

Tea Party crowd [chanting]: "Let him die!" "Let him die!"

Bachmann: "Obamacare bad!" "2012 is the threshold of socialism." "Obama wrote bad checks" "I should be committed!"

[commercial break] Cadillac...Natural gas "we're safe"...Shatner!...FedEx...Wolf with a teaser about the next segment...Exxon Mobil...CNN...Xfinity...Toyota of Newnan!...CNN

Tea Party question #9: "What would you do to remove illegal immigrants from the US?"

Santorum: "I'm not like Rick Perry" "I'm from immigrant parents"

Perry: "Government bad!" "We need federal government help"

Twitter question?: "Other than speaking Bloombito, what are the candidates doing to attract Latinos?"

Santorum: "Rick put illegals into Texas schools" "Rick bad!" "I am not a salad!"

Perry: "Mexicans can go to school in Texas"

Bachmann: "Don't help the Mexicans!" "Learn American history, like me!"

Perry: "Don't hate me because I'm courting the latino vote!"

Huntsman: "Rick is treasonous!"

Romney: "Latinos are Republicans!"

Perry: "Quit picking on me everybody!" "I want the latino vote just like all y'all"

Huntsman: "Romney bad!" "Reasonable and honest, that's me!"

Tea Party question #10: "US coal, oil gas, uranium good!...No?"

Cain: "EPA bad!" "Regulation bad!"

Twitter question: "Do you plan to decrease defense spending, or do you believe..." no reason to continue  Ron Paul will be the only one to say decrease.

Gingrich: "Be afraid!" "The terrorists are coming!" "It's all very frightening!"

Paul: "Cut spending" "End the wars!"

Santorum: "Ron Paul bad!"

Tea Party question #11: "As the next president, what will you do to protect Afghan women and children from the radicals?"

Huntsman: "End the war!" "Reagan!" "We're not shiny enough!"

Perry: "End the war....um...soon?" "That country, what was the name of that country again?"

[commercial break] Clean Coal...CNN...Clean Coal...Edward Jones...UPS...Capella University...AFLAC...

Wolf: "What would you bring to the White House?"

Santorum: "I have a lot of kids"

Gingrich: "I'd add ballet"

Paul: "Austrian economics"

Perry: "My beautiful wife" "I'm getting laiiiid toniiiiight!"

Romney: "...because we've made a lot of mistakes...Winston Churchill's bust"...WTF!

Bachmann: "Historical documents (that I need to study)"

Cain: "Jokes"

Huntsman: "My Harley...if my wife will let me"

Final Tally on talking opportunities:

Perry - 20
Romney - 11
Bachmann - 9
Santorum - 8
Huntsman - 8
Cain - 7
Paul - 7
Gingrich - 6

Hmmm? Perry got a lot of time, and a lot of attention from the rest of the field.

...and the winner is President Obama!